Mein Kampf

Issues

2007-03-26T13:50:00.000-07:00

Your issues
don't dampen my tissues
these days.

Random Saturday

2007-03-26T05:19:00.000-07:00

Can I gently stroke your thigh, Peter?
Look into my eyes, Peter.
Will you tell me lies, Peter?
While you laugh with your pals, Peter.
Can I read your poem, Peter?
Was it about me, Peter?
To my suprise, Peter.
I never realised, Peter.
Don't ever come back... Peter.

Drop

2007-03-20T09:28:00.000-07:00

I love to feel you
dripping into me.

But why do you always
drip through me?

Champion

2007-02-28T17:03:00.000-08:00

They can
call me a champion,
that's their right.

They can
call me a role model,
a professional,
a world-class
athlete.
The best.

They'll never know
what those words mean.
What they really mean

I kinda like that.

Criticism

2007-02-28T17:01:00.000-08:00

I can take criticism,
just not from you...
Asshole.

Over

2007-02-10T11:25:00.000-08:00

Shadows,
give the mind toys to play with,
in the dark I can't tell the difference
between me and you.
Sometimes dreams are just dreams,
filing memories randomly,
not intended to
make the morning shower -
But the ones about you
are so hard to forget.

Opinions

2007-02-10T10:26:00.000-08:00

When people talk about football
seriously
and at length,
it makes everything seems so pointless.

Opinions are meaninglesss
for the
mostpart,
they suck the life out of me.

Listening to Bloc Party
makes me
want to write again,
must connect with me in someway.

Somethings will help you to remember
you childhood
adolescence, where
ultimately you were at your happiest without knowing it.

It's quite possibly true that the money would make anyone
basically happy
but not truely happy,
and there truely must be something in that.

I can't tell people what to think
though
I want to,
it's the opinions that divide us and actions that bring us all back together.

In my opinion.

Fences 2

2006-12-21T04:04:00.000-08:00

I lean my head
against the window pane.
The rattling makes my head bounce,
so I press my head harder
against the cold glass.
I'm comfortable there,
with senseless lyrics
swilling around with my evening thoughts.
Through my season-stained pillow,
all I see are fences
lining every route
and following the angry toots.
The air is filled with defences,
people feeling the need to
justify their actions and apprehensions,
usually to themselves.
I wish the driver could take more care
because my head is starting to ache
more than my neck can take.
I’m inside my own thoughts again,
time takes so long
and I'm not judging right or wrong
again.
Is there really something more to this
life?
Or do we just say 'fuck it'
and live for the moment?
Surely hindsight will tell me,so why the hell do I worry.

Winter Moments

2006-12-07T04:08:00.000-08:00

You can tell
at this time of year,
the sun is moving further away.
Even the sun's shines are cold
to the touch,
and I don't feel young so much.

Something still burns though,
as I pretend I can breathe fire
with freezing smoke coming from my
hamstrung lungs,
dispite this ice blue picture I'm
set in.
All that's missing is the stream crossing bridge,
and you,
but you aren't missing - I know where you are.

The brave winter birds are
with me,
bubbling along,
singing their troubles in a song.
Sometimes it's a struggle to
get on,
but the sun will come back around
a few months along.

Smoke/Fire Cliché

2006-11-30T09:00:00.000-08:00

Your
smoke
had no
fire,

yet I still got singe-d.

Perspective 2

2006-11-22T15:27:00.000-08:00

Was it
the strain
or the pain
or even the stain
you put on my heart?

From the start
what set us apart
was perspective,
our objectives
were different
always.

Shame that
our relationship
ended up a text-mess,
well merry Christmas
and a good tiding I hope you get.

The tide has withdrawn
for us.
And the hope?
I guess that was
mine to keep.

Perspectives change
and rearrange
but it's all the same.

Babe.
x

Hello

2006-11-10T03:00:00.000-08:00

I've been busy losing the will to live and haven't had much inspiration to post - or do anything if you ask my mother. I'm sure I'll be back soon, in the meantime...

Thoughts etc...

2006-10-26T03:25:00.000-07:00

She says things
like throw-away wings,
those wings take me up
but she brings me down.
To my non-suprized
disappointment.
It's her eyes
and their liquid lies
that reel me in,
I never could swim
and it shows,
as I flounder with her.
Words stuck in my mouth,
with her ideas filling
my mind,
a day-dream
that's just too many days away.
Maybe a
life-time away,
still,
the thought of it
swells my emotions,
she makes life slow-motion.
Who knew
how she could bake me up
only to devour me.
She talks to me
at length
and the strength wears off slowly.
She says she loves me
and things,
I might love her,
given the chance.

Madonna

2006-10-26T03:19:00.000-07:00

Everyone's trying to
save the world.
The world can take care of itself.
Who is going to save the world
when we are gone?
It's ourselves we should be
saving.

Stag Do Boo Hoo

2006-10-17T03:01:00.000-07:00

Last weekend was Danny's stag do, being one of the best men I was a bit worried that all the lads would enjoy it and have a good weekend. It proved to be a supreme weekend. Friday was a blur and things are just starting to come back to me.

I'd like to appologies to the girl I danced with on Friday night, I just realised a broke her necklace, feel pretty bad about that but she was a bit of a tease though. At least I have a nice souvenier of the weekend.

Alcohol calm down now.

World Champs

2006-09-14T06:58:00.000-07:00

Thanks for all the comments and replies to my email and website rantings. It's much appreciated and very interesting to see other people's take on things.

It seems it was quite difficult to follow the games generally, not just in terms of what I did, which is a bit disappointing given it was the 2nd biggest competition behind the Paralympics. I think the BBC do a pretty good job of promoting the sport and they can always just say that they don't have to cover disability sport, which they have every right to say and public interest generally probably doesn't demand a great deal more coverage than we get. However I do think this coverage we do get could be used more effectively by packing it full of athletics instead of the documentary-style program the BBC like to produce.

My gripe is how they've treat me personally this time, holding me in less regard than track athletes coming 3rd and 4th. I've been interviewed many times in the past and feel I've interviewed well, with clear speech and plenty of wit and humour. Whether they thought I'd had enough coverage in Athens, or that I win easy, or that some of my views are too controversial, I don't know. But for the sake of the sport and lower disability classes (that I feel are being pushed out), I will continue to voice my opinions and push myself forward to be a role model for the next generation.

Now is a time for getting my head down and preparing myself for Beijing 2008.

Thanks once again.

----------------------------

I drank too much,
after I thank too much.
It's the waiting,
that can destroy you
if you think about it.
The consequences, I mean -
inbetween everyday
fruit punch
and pasta crunch.
Hope can
drive you insane,
observing conversation flow
and tone and
evenings on the phone.
He's snoring again,
sucking my thoughts up,
giving them back.
What if I muck it up
this time?
Playdo feeling mattress
is trying to tell me something,
swallowing me up to spit me out in the morning.
As the birds stop to sing,
I look into my eyes
and know this day is mine.

Now and Then (Goals)

2006-08-20T13:13:00.000-07:00

When I look through to the stars.
Often,
in the the daytime
and mostly
in my spare-time.

Sometimes they giggle at me
and riddle
at me. Riddling me in,
teasing my skin.

It tingles
now and then,
ideals wriggle away;
but when
I put my things up there,
no-one can touch them
and no-one can rush them.

I know they are mine,
I feel close to them
and sit to laugh with them,
now and then.

Athetoid

2006-08-16T05:57:00.000-07:00

In my bag,
a change of scenery
I have.
To lift the weary place
that has displaced the cheery face
of the other day.

What a mucky-pup I am,
and I don't give a damn
about the mess in my talking
along with the untidyness of my walking.

The way,
as they say,
of the world
is that the physics are sometimes wrong.
Such a pitty
when the words of a song
don't rhyme,
but they don't have to all the time.

My words don't always
rhyme,
and my rhythm skips a beat
now and then.
Trees, wildflowers and birds and song
may not line the scenery I hold.
But scenery I do hold,
it's not bare at all.

Hurting, Now and Then

2006-08-13T12:46:00.000-07:00

Since I've been hurt,
it's so difficult to flirt.
Taking the little chances that everyone takes -
make eye contact,
a sweet smile,
few well placed touches,
perhaps a cheeky joke
and some naughty insinuations if possible.

It used to be so easy
but now the consequences seem too great.
Now slightly
too aware
of how hard it is to care
for someone like me.

Don't drunken-text use me,
it just confuses me
senses,
making me pensive.

Radcliffe

2006-08-13T03:13:00.000-07:00

How many times is Paula Radcliffe going to mention - 'I've been out for a run this morning.'

AAAARRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!

Brother

2006-08-11T12:53:00.000-07:00

I've almosted killed you
in front of the glass door,
then I've framed you
everytime I committed mischeif.
Trust that whenever I try to sell
my faulty jokes,
you will eagerly buy.
And tiresome sighs
just add to our dryness.
To be named after a saint,
but Paul you aint
because the life you paint
is a colourful one indeed.
What will you make of this poem?
Probably an impatient groan,
but I hope you'll find it's grown
on you in a few years time.
Whilst the flow of wine
lets us pour thoughts
over many memories that have
made us what we are.

Hate

2006-08-06T02:51:00.000-07:00

You only dream
about the people
you hate.

You

2006-08-06T02:48:00.000-07:00

When I see you in my
dreams, you don't know me so well.
I guess they aren't dreams anymore.

Reminise

2006-08-06T02:44:00.000-07:00

I know.
Let's write
about the good old days,
when we hadn't achieved
our dreams.
And
we still
got excited about
getting drunk.

Improvement

2006-08-04T15:33:00.000-07:00

Inbetween
my toes, the space is
expanding.

Rain

2006-08-03T03:18:00.000-07:00

When I left I took my coat,
but then I eventually realised
it wasn't raining at all.

Randomness

2006-07-27T03:55:00.000-07:00

The dark shinyness
of brand new poetry,
like the smell of a showroom car.
Poems don't have to be factual,
they don't even have to be actual
poems.
Reality is, writing breeds writing and
violence breeds violence.
The children that survive
may well be the soldier's of tomorrow.
Terrorising their own children.
Terrorising their own fathers.

My words will still be here and so will the irony.

Both lost.

Flowers

2006-07-24T12:09:00.000-07:00

'I don't buy flowers, I can't work out what they mean.'
'The words I might never say, are going to come out anyway.'

Great lines from Mr Morrison.

---------------

If I gave you flowers,
in this shaded public house
would we have swelled for hours.
Letting the walls clamber in
on several mis-tangible coversations
about the overly worked oak tables or
perhaps the temptation of the quiz night on Monday.

Half-expensive and
a bit battered from my heavy hand,
these flowers would give you something
from me.
An apology, an advance or a cry for help.

You gave me so much more
than flowers ever could.

You gave me my dreams.

And my flowers couldn't save me from myself.

War and Peace

2006-07-20T11:55:00.000-07:00

Quiet mid-afternoon
in a modest semi-detached,
a child cries.

His young mother gently encourages
a mashed-up banana,
he normally likes that.

Too tired to play
with his toy soldiers
and action men.

She frets,
probably over nothing,
but so fragile are these little souls.

On the news, in Lebanon a child cries,
looking for his stricken mother.
I wonder if the Gods are crying too.

Swearing

2006-07-18T16:55:00.000-07:00

Some swearing is always good,
fantastic swearing is the way forward.
For fuck's sake...

Simpsons

2006-07-17T14:56:00.000-07:00

Some classic quotes:

'No matter how good you are at something, there's always a million people better than you.'

'This next song is called - My Fans Are Stupid Pigs.'

More to come.........

Hope

2006-07-13T17:22:00.000-07:00

Hope's Impossible.
But I hope it's possible
etc...

Images

2006-07-11T04:08:00.000-07:00

Everytime I see you
in my dreams, you know me so well...
Guess that's why they're called dreams.

Who Am I?

2006-07-03T06:03:00.000-07:00

Good news - bruised foot.

--------------

I'm ridiculously positive.
I continually think I can do things that I continually fail to do.
I'm a schizophrenic.
I instantly agree with my friends.
I'm embarrassingly gullible.
I’m almost always in some kind of physical pain.
I keep all my true feelings to myself.
I have total belief in myself.
I think too much.
I always think the girl likes me more than she does.
I’m incredibly self-obsessed.
I get easily bored and lonely.
I think there should be an easy answer to everything.
I drink too much.
I compulsive gamble too much.
I spend way too much time on the Internet.
I love travelling.
Everything makes me jealous and insecure.
I trust everyone.
I’m loyal.
I’m cool when I’m drunk.
I’m cool when with mutual friends.
I’m most comfortable when I’m centre of attention.
I’m shy.
I don’t keep in touch with friends.
I take too long to reply to e-mails.
I obsess about basic bodily functions.
I’m tired all the time.
I think I’m above others.
I can’t commit.
I often feel sorry for myself.
I don’t pay attention.
I rarely worry about anything.
I hate confrontation.
I know too much.
I wonder……

Hypocrites

2006-06-29T03:38:00.000-07:00

When I'm done slagging you off
behind your back to people I don't really know, I'll
tell you what I think of you.

Probably via e-mail, if I bother.

The Plough

2006-06-28T06:54:00.000-07:00

A few words for you.
A flower for youth.
A field of truths

The fields you farmed
are never too far away,
you were grown there.

And the work, oh the work!
Nothing fit for a young man these days,
with early mornings and next-day dawnings.

Yet so full life was,
semi-skimmed not an option and fry-ups
galvanised the rusting lean machines.

Your body naturally blasted,
fit to bring the sunrise with clumbsy clinks
not to mention the pints on Friday night.

The six-pack you now claim to
Fame - in your sons who are
so different to you, yet the same deep down.

Simple ways to have taught,
with sufice so small to say that Hailwood would be proud
as I sat and played on your pride and joy, hours disappeared.

How bitterness settled on your wrist,
with a cheap gold watch made from 25 years
talking shop, another 25 just unthinkable.

Taking bad never suited you
and the lies you thought only scared you,
but we know how lucky we are.

These seeded fields you plough now
have flattened, slowed and are remote controlled,
just as you like it.

Body Types

2006-06-28T04:39:00.000-07:00

My body is strange and has a touch of irony. My muscles are exceptionally strong as they fight against each other with every move I make, so it takes a lot of force to injure them. My left hip is very flat with almost no socket around the ball, however my left leg is my strongest leg as its very straight and bears most of my weight. My right hip is almost normal but my right leg is very bent, it doesn't bear much weight. Which is why my hip injury is causing so much bother because I need every part of my body to function as I do. My walking is ropy at the best of times, so any knock will blow it.

Is There a Difference?

2006-06-27T03:51:00.000-07:00

Interesting conversation matieral in the subject of whether there is a difference between shear desire to succeed and just wanting or needing to succeed for want of a better way of putting it (pardon the pun).

Here's the thing, in some cases the desire to be successful at something because you enjoy it and is fun, is gradually replaced by the need/want to be successful because of the rewards it brings and the lifestyle it allows you. When this happens, I think desire reduces because its no longer as enjoyable because the need to be successful is so important and you automatically take less risks.

It's something that may be just a natural thing that comes with age, but it's more complicated than that. Examples of waning desire are things like, as a child there is a great desire for almost everything, as we grow older our focus becomes narrower as the need to get a job and settle down stems the desire to do other things. Newly weds start with thick desire to enjoy the love they share, often the desire drifts into a need to be married. When starting a new job the desire to do well and improve gradually becomes a want to stay employed and stay on the payroll.

It isn't just a time thing, though time is a factor but its possible for people to maintain their desire and passion for many years, such as Steve Redgrave, Bernard Hopkins, Michael Johnson, Bobby Robson, Richard Branson, Morrissey and I'd like to put myself in that bracket.

For me, desire is intrinsically linked to goals, belief and change. Having the same goal for a long time will inevitably lead to a loss of desire/spirit, and that goes both ways - goals must be attainable yet challenging, setting impressive/ambitious goals will only look good if you acheive them and will probably result in lower performance than usual because of trying to hard. On the other hand setting easy goals and not advancing them once they have been achieved is just as bad as not achieving goals, it gets you stuck in a rutt of routine, changing your goals means changing your approach to acheiving them and thus renewing your desire/enthusiasm.

The other factor I've not mentioned is belief, this is different all together yet it is the catalyst that connects it all. It is sort of self-realisation, acknowledging to yourself what you are capable of, what you know is potentially acheivable. This cannot be taught to you or told to you, you have to know. Then belief comes in the means to achieve your potential - how to get there and this is where help and advice comes in, the people who show you the path should believe the same as you otherwise desire can be comprimised.

It's a common clique that life is tougher at the top, but it's true. When you get to where you want to be, where do you go? A question I'm often asked, it's a tough question but my answer is simple - I keep trying to win and improve until I'm satisfied with my performance and don't think I can do any better. I like to judge true success in life on longevity, not just a one off that no one will know if it was a fluke or not. Some people can't cope with success like others, it depends whether it was expected or not and deep down goals, money is a factor of course but not as important as is often thought. Who is happy with their slice of the pie or who wants to be a legend?

Its a very fine balance with many more factors than I've mentioned, but over complicating situations is another way to shrink desire. A fine line exists between desire and need/want, slipping into a 'comfort zone' can be difficult to get out of and you probably will not realise you're in it.

I'm sure much research has been done in this area and its probably been wrote before, but I just felt like writing my thoughts as I do.

Desire

2006-06-25T06:03:00.000-07:00

Into the fire.

We storm to the beedy eye,
there's much more at stake than pride
but much less than life itself.

The way emotions go
and with decisions in tow,
mere existence matters no more.

Weak heads flounder, lost in a sea of wants and needs
as time drains, so to do the elements of so many dreams
and the pains just seem part of the deal.

In aspiring to these glittering goals before us
the gurding loins only strive so far
- everyone sweats, bleeds and cries but the minority succeed.

Autobiography

2006-06-23T06:34:00.000-07:00

Instead of living life,
I might as well
write about it.

Here as I sit,
spill some words to dwell,
another chapter of strife.

A book of this type
has secrets to tell,
about a bit of a tit.

Sitting in a Shop

2006-06-12T14:31:00.000-07:00

With me sitting in a shop, time crashes to a stop etc......

With me shitting in a trough etc........

Speaking

2006-06-11T12:48:00.000-07:00

You always speak when you're eating.
You don't talk when you're speaking.
I can't hear when you're teaching.
There's too much space when you're reaching.

Five weeks on and my knees still won't part.
It's like it's been from the start.
There's some progress that we can chart.
It's enough to have heart.

It often seems like I'm crazed.
Wondering about stuff for days.
Alienating you with my ways.
We hardly seem to speak these days.

Presence

2006-06-09T05:48:00.000-07:00

Why do want to live
in the past or the future,
not in the present?

Tight Tops

2006-06-06T03:06:00.000-07:00

In my opinion I don't look like a member of a boy band and not like David Beckham either, both often labelled at me. Just because I wear tight tops doesn't make me gay either, they help sooth some of my insecurities - I feel like bits aren't gonna drop off my body and don't feel like the skinny boy I am. I have like reverse annorexia, I think.

With my leg still feeling like 5 weeks in a bad balloon, just come out of a heavy cold and head-butting my shower - I feel like something is against me, probably something to do with actively renouncing the exsistence of God but nevertheless I will continue to drag my body kicking and screaming and it will thank me in the end. I'm used to pain in training but the pain has never stopped me from doing stuff, which is why I've been so pissed off. I can see chinks of light now though and soon I hope to get back to what I do best - get people questioning my disability classification and my sexuality (joking mam).

Actually, people don't read this stuff do they? Apart from mam and my mate Andy......... Oh dear, I better start writing album reviews or web development techniques or latest training tips, or interesting web links. What do you thinks?

www.theburglarsdog.com

Can't think of any poetry right now. Much to everyone's relief.

Rountine

2006-05-30T15:53:00.000-07:00

Fucked it up again,
didn't I?
I always do,
don't I?

You'd text now and again,
wouldn't you?
I'd offer no time to spend,
wouldn't I?

Drifting in and out,
that's what people do to me.
Just an insecure fool,
with no means to please.

Seize the Weekend

2006-05-30T05:20:00.000-07:00

So I turned 26 on Saturday, well and truely past the quarter century. Despite being slightly pissed off at how shit I threw in the afternoon, it was quickly forgotten and got home in time to have a good night out. Now I need to get my arse in gear for the British Open, I feel plenty better even since Saturday so lets hope this is the end of a long dark tunnel I've been in.

Just for Andy, who thinks my poems are crap, this one's for you.

-----------

Tomato ketchup stain on the van's interior.
We don't need photos to remember.
They would only make us feel inferior.
At the site of our beleaguered demeanour.

Chat to a girl or two.
Try to dance with a few.
Exchange names then go,
to let booze continue to flow.

Deceit

2006-05-25T14:19:00.000-07:00

Currently reading The Da Vinchi Code, I know I'm a bit late jumping on the bandwagon, it's a very well written and provocative fictional book and much better than the movie I'm sure. Despite the author's claims that the book is truely non-fictional, I believe otherwise, although I think many statements in the book may well be true.

And the whole aura of the books reflects real life society in many ways. No doubt this book has made Dan Brown a very rich and powerful individual in his chosen field because lots of people want to know what he has to say and are enthused by his ideas. The same way that religion's myths and mysteries make many people rich and powerful and at the same time, give billions of people something to believe in and in many cases something to live for.

Whether the prophets are true or not is not important, it's highly likely that they are just lies spun by the powerful to retain and stregnthen their status, but while there remains doubt, there is something to believe in.

As my friend at gapingvoid.com professes, the market for something to believe in is infinate.

Nothing much changes in this world very quickly apart from the material things, the fabric of human life is still very much beset on making people believe in things even if they are based upon lies, advertising and marketing are just modern-day phases for practices that have been in operation since before Jesus was born or invented. Funny how Jesus could have been someone's product/business model.

But answers to the world's great mysteries would only create fear and panic.

Without uncertainty and deceit, life in essence would not exsist.

What to Do

2006-05-22T02:41:00.000-07:00

When you ask those questions; I

don't know what to say,
tell me what to say.
Don't know what to want,
tell me what to want.
Don't know what to do,
tell me what to do.

The answer is you.
It's always you.

Skies

2006-05-20T02:11:00.000-07:00

Looks like
The skies are changing,
my mind is raging,
hoping my skies aren't falling.
Hoping my skies aren't failing,
they can't fail me now.

The Academy Is....

2006-05-19T06:17:00.000-07:00

Crap. Yes that band are too, just like all these new indie, regional accent wearing internet bands, apart from the Newcastle based ones of course. The A19 scene is where it is at as far as new music is concerned, unfortunately for the one's that started it all off, the Futureheads and the Maximo Park, they have done what Ian Brown told them not to do and have sold their souls. I was at the opening night when the Futureheads held together the creaking and leaking Carling Academy, and last night wasn't too much better. The Newcastle Carling Acedemy is quite simply the worst music venue I have ever been in, it is a DDA court case waiting to happen, taking 2 key opperated lifts to get down to stage level it hardly seems worth finding a member of staff and then move everyone out the way because you have to do it all again to get back to toilet. Needless to say the lift weren't working anyway, my mate then informed me the lights weren't working in the toilet, a high class establishment indeed. The accoustics are terrible and it was difficult to make out even some of the Futurehead's most famous songs and their new stuff didn't sound great. So the verdict: The Futurehead's aren't the best live act but weren't helped by the venue, however 'Hounds of Love' and 'Decent Days & Nights' went down very well.

P.S. Will the bloke from Maximo Park please stop following me round at gigs and get a proper job, also Englishmen in baseball caps is wrong.

The Academy 2 is however a much better venue and I recommend you get there to see Dartz! next Friday.

----

I'm sorry.
I wish I would, I wish I could.
I wish I could.

Heros

2006-05-10T07:07:00.000-07:00

We'll miss you Alan....

When I need the strength to carry on
and there's nothing left within,
that's when I look to you.

When I need to know the way to go
and my head is in a spin,
that's when I take your direction.

When I need the inpiration
and have no motivation,
that's when your words mean so much.

When I need a hero
and nobody is here,
that's when you are part of me.

When you are gone
and your legend lives on,
that's when new hero's are born

Scars

2006-05-09T03:34:00.000-07:00

So I had to pull out of this year's Paralympic World Cup through injury, it's probably the first competition I've had to do so in my career so far. I wasn't really that upset about missing it as discus is my second event and it was going to be tough for me to get in the top three. Having said that I hate being even slightly injured and I'm no stranger to competing with an injury but this one just got the better of me, must be my age or something. I might have been able to grab 4th place with the injury but that wouldn't do me any justice. Also I don't see the PWC as the great competition it's made out to be, not for me anyway, it is good for promoting disabled sport in general but its mainly the more able-bodied competitors who walk and talk normally that get the media attention. As for me, I'm probably Britain's 2nd most successful athlete but I shake quite a bit and talk a bit funny so the TV kind of tentatively disregard me, which is something I've come to accept but it is unsettling at times.

As for know I have to get this hip sorted, it looks like I haven't done anything too serious so it'll probably take a couple of weeks before I can start hobbling about again. Can't wait to make the stairlift redundant again.

---------

Why do I spend time getting girls to like me.
Then spend my time putting them off me.
Oooo time for a coffee.

Happenings

2006-05-04T15:28:00.000-07:00

So, cheerio again
so here we go, insane.
At the end of the day
if nothing is learned
the battle is lost.
Things shouldn't be measured
in terms of cost
but in terms of gains.
Make your gains,
whatever the cost.

Bad Loser, Bad Winner

2006-04-30T04:43:00.000-07:00

Let me get one thing straight before I start ranting like a misinformed housewife. I used to like Jose Mourinho, I thought he was a breath of fresh air and when he knocked Man Utd out of the Champions League with Porto he was my new hero. However I now realise that he is an arrogant, vain, egotistic, selfish and frustrated attention seeker and it surprises me how he is so good at his job, because I can't deny that he is. 4 major trophies in 3 years tells you that.

You may say its just sour grapes and success breeds contempt but Jose did something upon retaining the Premiership that, as a sportsperson that has won medals, deeply disappointed me and I can even say it sickened me. He threw his winner's medal away not once but TWICE, something which I consider the biggest insult possible to your fellow competitors who would give anything to be in the winning position. It also shows disrespect to the people who have helped him and worked so hard for him, his players, backroom staff, management and supporters. Above all it was a dangerous thing to do and could have caused some ugly crowd scenes and people could have been hurt. Sometimes, Mourinho acts very irresponsibly because he thinks its cool at the time, not a great role model in an age when players are scutinised for everything they do.

He has shunned something that should be a tremendous honor to recieve, no matter how many winners medals you have, if he did not want it he should not have accepted the medal, which will now just probably make somebody a few quid on Ebay and that was not its purpose, its purpose was to honour a deserving person, to be a source of pride for years to come.

I don't know what Mourinho is trying to prove, I know Muhammed Ali threw his Olympic medal into the Ohio river but that was because of the inner tirmoil of still being racially discriminated against despite his achievements, and he has since regretted the decision. I wonder if Jose regrets his what some might see as flamboyant decision when we looks beck on his career. If he doesn't want the prize, he shouldn't enter the competition and if he wants to be loved by everyone, he's in the wrong job.

---------------

These medals are mine,
they show my time.
Part of me is in them,
it was me that had to win them.
Each one carries stories,
with countless memories.
These medals are mine,
that's it.

It Don't Mean a Thing

2006-04-18T06:01:00.000-07:00

Hmmmmm...Oh the anger, another disability related outcry in the media, it doesn't seem like a week can go by without one. This time, squeaky clean golfer Tiger Woods says he putted like a spaz at the US Master, que an explosion of right-group/messageboard-dwelling/semi-celebrity disability opinionists. Oh God they love it. I'm a pseudo opinionist too so here goes.

Tiger did putt like a spaz, I found it quite an accurate assessment and I should know after attempting to playing crazy golf last week with not much success. To be honest I think Tiger was being a bit harsh on himself, but the thing is that he was simply trying to convey his frustration at his performance to the media and public.

If he'd come out and said 'I hate disabled people, they should all be shot at birth, should be completely socially excluded and frowned upon generally', then firstly I'd be very suprized as it was a press conference at a golf tournament, but yes I'd probably be offended.

He didn't say that though, he merely suggested that playing golf to the level of a person with cerebral palsy wasn't acceptable for him, and I have no problem with that statement. I have made similar statements along the same lines many times, it's all about expressing feelings and frustration about a certain thing, in this case a game of golf. It don't mean a thing more.

--------------

Sometimes we see our reflection
in other people's words.
Sometimes there's no need for detection
of things that can't be heard.

Prophecy etc...

2006-04-18T02:48:00.000-07:00

Been to Portugal for a week's training, it went quite well, although left me with some big questions that I intend to answer in the coming months. It's not a comfortable thing for me to be unsure of what I am capable of but I guess that's what makes me not become complacent. So the week was definately the kick I needed for the start of the season.

Interesting highlights of the week include, turning up at the Easyjet desk at Newcastle airport with my box which the girl looked at and said 'No. We can't take that.', great start then, 3 hours later we got checked in. We decided not to eat at the hotel after Danny and Ray said they could've used the salmon as a discus. Our hire car was knicknamed DT for Death Trap and simply was not road worthy, the back door kept flying open randomly and the inside of the door came off when we shut it. We discovered the handbrake didn't work when we parked on a hill and started rolling forward and there was quite a large hole in the back tire. We complained, they sent a mechanic.

The gym we usually go to had closed down, but we found another even better gym near the hotel. The guy was very helpfull but nearly had a heart attack everytime I did an exercise, especially when I half fell off the chin up machine, at that point he said I think it's time to stop and I agreed. It was probably a life enhancing experience for the guy though and I hope I broadened his horisons a little, that's always good.

I'm now aware of what self fulfilling prophecy means, and it'll help me because I'm not going to let it happen anymore. So time to forget the past and stick to what I know. I'll try and explain in the form of poetry.

-------------

Fulfil me, no.
Fill me, full.

Your prophecy won't save me.
It will decieve me
and sell lies to my soul.

Your dreams won't set me free.
They cloud my thoughts
and rain on my reality.

All I need is:
my belief,
my knowledge,
my soul
and the truth.

I am my prophecy
and
I am my dreams.

Writing Again

2006-04-06T08:32:00.000-07:00

Hmm, I'm
writing again, I must be
depressed.

The Simplest Way to Describe

2006-04-05T15:49:00.000-07:00

There are things in life you will always want
that you can never have,
but everyone around you seems to have them.
It's ok though,
you'll forget sometimes
and that will have to be good enough.

Begraveness

2006-03-08T02:10:00.000-08:00

You know you're reaching adult-hood when
you start attending funerals.
To begin to comprehend the reality and the
surrealness of death.
Taking comfort in ancient words as
custom words are useless.
My chorus of homeless thoughts
struggling bearly for breath.
Hoping the good souls sail on
and their chosen endevour rewards them.
For living is a choice to be taken,
it can be forced from time to time.
In death, golden tea is poured over
memories happy and sad, your reflection at its clearest.
Luke-warm, spirits surround us
turning time back.
Sips intake a being no more,
until the drops are gone, then you can rest.

Happy Birthday

2006-03-06T02:24:00.000-08:00

Happy birthday to my little brother who ends his teenage years today. Also happy birthday to my mate Andy, who I've just found out shares his birthday with my brother. I should have known this as I've known Andy for about 8 years and have been out for his birthday more than a few times. Oh well, the ignorance of youth. It's quite bad because I can't remember what I did for my 20th birthday, it normally turns into a weekend affair as it's near a bank holiday. 20 is quite an innocuous age, although one of my favourite championship manager ages.

My skin seems to be falling off at the moment but it's ok, it grows back, must be the time of year.

Nap: Taxman (2.00 lingfield)
Tune: This Et. Al. - Pigs Make Children Sick.

-------

How do you know
my age?
I gave birth to you
20 years ago.

Summing Up

2006-02-27T12:04:00.000-08:00

Things been ok lately, apart from having a cold. It's not a full blown cold but I know it's there. The book launch I went to was good, if not as exclusive as I had thought. The readers were very good, but it was quite funny when people kept trying to get in the bar when the door was locked and the fire alarm repeatedly went off. Was a very cultural night for me and we ended up sipping cocktails in the apartment, avoiding being spotted by angel eyes in the process. The book is great, check out tontopress.com.

This latest offering is a kind of haiku, I get sick of people asking how my training's going, it just happens, I do what has been planned and it's the planning that's more important than training. An old woman once said to me as I left the gym, looking worse than most local tramps, 'did you have fun playing in the gym?. And I thought, we aren't moving forward at all as a society, but we can always take comfort in our own truths even if we can't express them to others. Personal goals are the key.

-----

Stupid
Gymnasium
People

Colours

2006-02-17T00:39:00.000-08:00

Ok, I should start making this blog more interesting by posting some journal-type stuff (thoughts etc.) before my poetic attempt. Reasons for this being, it will hopefully dilute the 'poetry' and it will get me back into some construstive writing, which I used to be quite good at. I'm probably knicking the idea off one of my favourite websites at the moment (www.gapingvoid.com) which is also a blog site, but the guy posts some interesting cartoons and then goes on to talk about tailored suits or something.

Been an interesting time recently and lesser men would have crumpled into a fit of suicidal depression, but I've become an expert in letting it wash over me and finding it humourous. After all I need material for my poetry fettish.

Firstly, went to Belfast with some mates for a long weekend, we actually got 3 electric wheelchairs on an Easyjet plane. The highlight of the weekend, apart from becoming best mates with the night porter (to ful fil beer needs) and trying to find a pizza place at 4am, was whilst in the pub on Saturday afternoon, we were having a flutter on the horses (my new obsession) with some success. There was a group of old men at the next table to us, they looked the kind that would say 'you're in my seat' even if the pub was empty. Peter made the fatal mistake of asking one of them, who incidentally had a bleeding head, if he had any tips, to which he just nodded and obviously didn't understand a word. He later leaned over to Peter and asked 'Do you take them out once a week?' to which Peter replied 'No, we're just over for the weekend', again the guy just nodded and praised Peter for being a great person. Now, there's two ways you react, create a scene and put the guy right, which will probably be a waste of time anyway, or let it go and have a good laugh about it, the guy was too old to care anyway. Besides, I think he realised I hadn't escaped from the local home when I got 2 winners in a row and had the whole pub asking me for tips.

So then it was off to Whitley bay for Roman's birthday, quite a good night got better when glen fell on some guy whilst trying to stand at the bar. Then got more interesting in Time (good music in there) when someone started drinking one of Glen's 2 for 1 pints, Glen tried to kick him and he was a big bloke, I jumped in and asked the bloke what he was doing and he recons he picked it up by accident even though he was on vodka coke. It's one of those situation though, as a guy in a wheelchair do you start a fight, Glen might have been beaten up (although I recon the bouncers would have sorted it) but do you stick up for yourself? A fine line indeed.

Now, onto women. A great personal topic of mine. Recently I've had fairly brief interaction with a couple, the key grey areas to consider, are they being patronising, are they fascinated by your disability, are they being genuinely friendly or are they chatting you up. In both cases it was hard to tell. At the CP Sport awards dinner, a girl who was with Barclays and was a policewoman came over and started telling me how great I was, she was pretty young and niave about what to say, Danny reconned she fancied me but I let her go anyway, unsure. Then at the quiz a woman came over near the end, she said she thought she'd seen me before walking her dog at night. I thought hello, but she was quite drunk and started inquiring about my disability, I'm never shy about talking about cerebral palsy so I think she was taken back by my honesty, before asking one of the most interesting questions I've heard - 'What's it like?'. I don't know the answer to that one.

Off to a book launch tonight, woo I'm a celeb. Check my proper site www.stephenjamesmiller.co.uk.

Woke up with this poem in my head, would make a good monged dance track I think.

_____________________________________

Two colours.
Gently fading.

Two colours.
Fading gently.

Two colours.
Fading into me.

Two colours.
Fading with me.

Two colours.
Fading.

Thoughts

2006-02-16T06:25:00.000-08:00

Through this focus,
a sort of
hocus-pocus,
I have to cunjure up.

Why do I go out?
People just patronise, sympathise
and materialise with,
I pitty you eyes.

Please don't cry
through that stare
of yours,
stencilling my contores.

False tears are
liquid-wrapped lies
falling on deaf ground.
Tis my truths that should be falling.

My Bloody Valentine

2006-02-14T11:35:00.000-08:00

She touched my space.
Everytime everytime.
Left the leaves lying,
that she'd blown off.
Everywhere everywhere.
Innocently scared soul,
scrambled in essence,
by ghostly fragrance.
Evermore evermore.
Burning scalded skin,
sizzles with desire,
frozen without direction,
a will in tatters, it hides.
Evenmore, even more.

Obsessive Compulsive Dissorder

2006-02-09T05:19:00.000-08:00

Stop it stop it stop it.
I'm doing it again.
Stop It!

The Organisation

2006-02-09T03:15:00.000-08:00

Facilitate my hate.
Red herrings can still bounce when dead
apparently, this technical tosser recons.
Beta bollocks and cyber crap.

Network my thoughts.
Stagnant and exploding in this stale sandwich,
ducks in a row with i-words and e-conversations.
Java juveniles in empty suits.

Truncate my understanding.
The action plan is to multi-slack
and zero-task through these agenda items.
Duck shufflers, prioritising pricks.

Blog me till I burp.
Please reform your communication pathways
and integrate speech strategies
in line with the policy and procedure of...

Speaking Fucking English.
Fools.

Soldier Soldier

2006-02-02T03:35:00.000-08:00

This job will be the death of me.
What price one hundred inocent lives,
the cost of pseudo political/econominal gains.
They scuttle like beatles, in the war zone,
of course some get squashed.
They all have names.
They all had dreams.
What price one innocent life.

May Day

2006-01-31T17:06:00.000-08:00

Another ginger hair day,
climbing down the stairway.
The traffic bearing highway
takes centre stage this morning May.
At last the sun shines with rays,
and we celebrate that which remains
of British summertime that begins.

Virus

2006-01-31T08:16:00.000-08:00

They say a virus is coming.
Check e-mails and update software.
The appocalypse cometh,

but no one will die.

Student Lifestyle

2006-01-31T08:11:00.000-08:00

Beer sleep food beer sleep food beer.
Was acceptable
at the time.
Ironic that
I now have the time
and resources
to do it more efficiently now.

Hate

2006-01-31T08:09:00.000-08:00

So it's now a crime
to hate you.
I don't hate you,
I just dislike you...

Very much.

Life

2006-01-31T07:07:00.000-08:00

I fight
myself everday. A fight
to the death.

Death

2006-01-31T07:05:00.000-08:00

One day
I'll give up, we all give up,
one day.

Morning

2006-01-22T16:33:00.000-08:00

Blue morning sigh,
we all ask the same whys.
Blue yawning sky.

The Conference

2006-01-19T04:38:00.000-08:00

Different venue.
Same people.
Same words.
Same ideas.

Pats on backs,
whist the knife waits.
Chicken on sticks and
those vegetarian things no one likes.

Questions and answers,
answers and questions.
Drawing prety little circles,
flow charts and post-it arts.

The conclusion?
We need more money.

Together

2006-01-17T04:37:00.000-08:00

Taking sips
from my soul
leaves me whole

Leaving

2006-01-17T04:35:00.000-08:00

Taking sips
from my soul
leaves a hole

Secret Promise

2006-01-17T04:12:00.000-08:00

We are forever Trever.
Your whistling whispers,
sweet as strawberries drenched
in honey.
Golden, silent scent of a beautiful woman.
The touch of her emerald eyes,
in my mind every minute.
Oh crap,
I'm doing it again.

Depression

2006-01-05T11:41:00.000-08:00

Summary: You think the wierdest things when despressed.
____________________________________

Is life a series of steps, landmarks, checkpoints?

Thought I had it all worked out,
what I had to do
and what to do after that.
Graduate, get a job, get married, have kids.

Why am I inclined to follow this format,
it tears me apart?

I'm different, no I'm normal.
I can't, yes I can.
I'm lonely, I want to be popular.
I'm popular, I want to be lonely.

Why do I seek completeness,
it is impossible?

Every human being spends their life
trying to make the world perfect,
but it's so gloriously imperfect.
There is no ending, no right or wrong.

What can I do next to improve myself?

I'm happy and sad,
I'm cool and insecure.

Does she like me? Why? Oh, she doesn't really.

Got to create the right impression,
speak well, dress well, good hair.
Got to train more,
do more sit ups, press ups.

How many numbers do I have on my mobile?
How many texts do I get?
How many msn contacts do I have?

Need more money,
need to go out more,
need new friends,
need a girl.

Will I ever be able to let go?

I hope.

Here Comes The Fear Again

2006-01-05T09:33:00.000-08:00

She let me down again
but I'm alright now.
Letting my fears go
and hopes grow.

Never know anything competely,
nothing is right or wrong.
Say what you want to say
and play when you want to play.

Fear holds us back,
we are scared of hope,
it often leads to disappointment
like an ointment.

Without sacrifice and without pain
we would have nothing.
Education is trial and error,
there's no standard-bearer.

The Soul's Right To Breathe

2006-01-05T05:38:00.000-08:00

What is true liberty? True freedom? True Happiness?

Liberty is the soul's right to breathe,
every living thing deserves liberty,
but it is not easy to attain.

Could it be loosing the sense of what you are doing?
When you forget about yourself and just live without constraint?
Is this truly consistently possible?

I believe not,
life doesn't stay the same
and it isn't as we expect it to be.
It's beautiful.

There are periods of routine
and mundane, uneventful days.
Without these days, periods of liberty
and stimulation would be sedated.

Travelling fuels the growth of the soul.
Being in different situations,
having to communicate effectively
and being great company without the aid of technology.

I love the sea and the sky.
You can depend on them,
they are always there, consistent.
Humans can never comprehend their true size and power.

Routine strangles the soul,
so take your share of liberty
and try to do something
you never have as often as you can.

New Year

2006-01-03T05:43:00.000-08:00

As we venture on through
this traditional invisible barrier.
Watershed for thoughts
and actions change, bend.
Mend these false ideas
I've been harbouring
for so long.

Well so long
to the old and used.
There's land to be covered
and people to discover.

Oh if the light walks out,
should I save some for you?
And if the wind blows
will you let it guide you?

Maybe I'll discover myself.

Adolescence

2005-12-29T15:01:00.000-08:00

All the nice girls hate me,
passing by too hasty.
Oh I feel so lonely,
no one ever phones me.
Everything is boring,
am I not adoring?

Grow up.

Words

2005-12-23T17:19:00.000-08:00

Any lyric sounds good
in a good song.

I can't find words
when the time comes along.

You speak words I don't know
yet I understand somehow.

Mock

2005-12-22T17:41:00.000-08:00

Why do you patronise my friend?
He's above you in every way.

You don't need to sympathise,
I can feel sorry for myself.

You will try to understand,
but I can understand you
more than you will ever know.

Communication

2005-12-21T05:33:00.000-08:00

Is about
understanding what someone else
is going on about.

Religion

2005-12-15T05:46:00.000-08:00

Santa.

In racing red.
His free white spirit flows.
Bearing gift-wrapped promises of happiness.
Offering greed and gluttony.
Temping us to believe in him,
buying in to him,
sell our souls to him.
Deception into false belief.
He has horns.

The Devil.

Growing Up

2005-12-15T04:36:00.000-08:00

So that's the way it is.
Take my blood,
I'm happy to give,
in the festive colour.
Smear and smudge it.
Paint your feelings with it.
I don't care anymore.
I don't need the questions.
I don't want the answers.
I never understand them anyway.

Intentions

2005-12-15T04:32:00.000-08:00

I don't need another friend.
I know you mean so well.

So well.

But you don't need me
and I want you as something else.

War

2005-12-13T17:17:00.000-08:00

Dunno what I'm doing.
Who I'm killing.
I can't see them
and don't know their name,
they could be my friend.
I don't know what it's for,
I do not know.
But I know I have to do it.

What's the Point?

2005-12-05T02:46:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wonder
about stuff.
It makes me think,
and I think.
I know I'm wrong
a lot a of the time.
I want to spend time with you
I know I should.
Instead of sitting cocooned
with keyboard and mouse.
Doesn't make any difference
whatever I do.

Equality

2005-11-28T10:47:00.000-08:00

Equal in conception and demise,
the difference is in between.
Some say they wouldn't swap it,
I would.
Under certain conditions.

Equal in deception and lies,
distoring the truth that is unseen.
I'm not made of string.
I have
feelings all the time.

Equal in restricted ways,
yet free in a frustrated maze.
There's no way out.
I look
every day and hour.

Equal in our fear,
your confidence is mine.
Got to burst this bubble.
I can
hear you again

Commitment Questions

2005-11-27T10:20:00.000-08:00

Connections, all over my face
and hide.
Denting my pride, for the sake
of a chase.
My eyes glaze over, with mixed
emotions to intake.
Some feelings inside, just don't
sit right.
It's not crying, not dying but
somewhere in-between.
Must be this time of year, makes
me despair.
Auburn shades of brown, can't shift
this frown.
It's difficult for us babe, we can't
stand straight.
I think I know now, I really do
think I know.
Sometimes I forget, but you're always
there to remind me.
And it's cool, so cool.

How privileged I am.

What I Have (Choices)

2005-11-23T15:58:00.000-08:00

From the moment I breathe
to the moment I leave.
I think I need you,
I think I see you.
In my dreams you wake me
only to forsake me.
Enjoy being at your side,
and then you go and hide.
No one said it was easy,
you don't have to please me.
We know you could take me there
but you wouldn't even dare.
Me and my inner voice
knows it's your choice.
There's no right to be loved
in the way you crave, kid-gloved.
I have a promise made,
never to trade.

These choices I have,
I do not want.
And can't make them anyway.

Interest

2005-11-20T16:33:00.000-08:00

False admiration.

Thought you could deal with it.
Sort a feel for it.
And we could peel through it.
There's no secret to it.
We secrete fluid.
Until interest dries out.
I cry out.

False hope.

Imagined Relationship

2005-11-20T09:55:00.000-08:00

I love your eyes.
In the twilight frosty Friday.
You're lonely
and drunk.
You know I'm there for you,
not a threat.
For you to bounce off
until you feel better again.
My hopes left empty.
You love my eyes.

Our reasons are different.

Blanket

2005-11-17T02:45:00.000-08:00

Why do you comfort me? Complete my shaking soul.
Why do you keep me warm? See my spirit light up.
Why do you cling to me? I sweat with you.

Why do you leave me, when I need you most?

Dream

2005-11-14T02:45:00.000-08:00

What does it mean?

Out of the darkness.
I'm on a bridge, the Tyne Bridge.
Don't know if I'm walking or not,
there's a sense of pannic,
something is wrong.

Fighter planes drop to the horizon.
Try to run but can't get anywhere.
Rockets launch towards the bridge
and you realise, you're gonna die.
It's hopeless, everything is hopeless.

Rockets miss the bridge in slow motion,
as you try to think your last thoughts.
Explosions reign, shuttling through the city
seeking loved ones to seek you.
Wetting yourself through pure fear.

The oldest war veterans,
reveal the darkest and sickest secrets of conflict,
with a sence of pride but mainly confusion and fear.
We have to listen and understand
for anything to be leaned.

Visiting my uncle in hospital,
his scars are long and deep
but spirits high, for he has survived.
It's hard not to be scared of death,
when it comes calling too soon.

What does it mean?

Market

2005-10-27T04:15:00.000-07:00

A piggy went to market,
is how it goes.
The smell of fresh meat,
whistles around
when the wind blows.

A childhood treat,
family day-trip out.
Happy to wonder around,
the endless aisles,
walking for miles.

Butcher barters with onlookers,
'two for a fiver'.
Last joint of British beef
is sold,
you won't get it cheaper.

Try to avoid eye contact,
at claustrophobic clothes stalls.
'I'm just looking',
as he negotiates a price
for goods I don't want at all.

No security checks,
before transactions are paid.
CCTV in seller's eyes,
trusting people of good heart
will respect their trade.

How times have shrunk,
the rivers that flowed through
are now trickling streams
of punters
more careful with their dough.

Love

2005-10-24T05:57:00.000-07:00

Love is free.
A gift.
Endless in quantity.
Re-usable.
Re-mouldable.
Soft and hard.
Quiet and loud.

You make the rules,
can't help who you love.
Prejudice is natural,
can't expect to be loved.

Love sings to me,
teases me.
Everyday.
You have to earn it,
have I earned it?